Confusion

"How does a creature know the desire of the Creator?
How does a finite mind decipher the infinite?
Can a mortal human truly know the will of an eternal God?
Lately I feel like a tiny little chess piece on the vast playing board of life.....surrounded by my fellow men and soldiers, all pressing towards a common goal. From where I stand, hemmed in with limited vision, I cannot tell what my next move should be. A pawn on my left cries out, 'Move forward!'; a bishop to my right whispers, 'Stay put.' But they are mere playing pieces as well, their perspective limited by their low vantage point. 
And yet, there is a strong and unseen hand guiding my moves - One who has the best perspective, and who can see the whole board. He directs me faithfully, confidently, rightly.....because His way is always best."
-Recent excerpt from my journal

That truly sums up my thought life lately.......to narrow it down to one word, I would say - confusion.

A deep, real uncertainty about God's will for me.

Many factors have gone into it.....life's been rough these past couple weeks. The possible upcoming move has brought with it a whole slew of crazy, unfamiliar emotions, and when you mix those with the circus act that we call everyday life, plus add in unforeseen tragedies and personal struggles, well, I guess I just start to doubt and question. 

I get emotionally overwhelmed and don't understand why.....I become afraid.....afraid to love, to open up, to be hurt again.......I build walls...masks.....anything I feel will aid me in my self-protection. As time and again my defenses fail me, I become desperate, withdrawing quicker and reinforcing the fortress of my battered heart only to find that eventually, one can only retreat so far and hide so long.

God is graciously showing me through His word and through dear people willing to speak the truth, that protecting myself helps nothing. It neither takes away the pain nor brings about happiness......it only isolates, hurts, and hides things that would be better out in the open. 

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Cor. 13:7

Love doesn't look like trying to get through life with the least amount of pain possible.....instead, it looks like giving. Giving selflessly, freely, until it feels like you have nothing left. When you get there, God steps in and says, "My grace is sufficient for you. I promise to give you no more than you can handle.....because I love you unconditionally, and I'm working for your good even when it hurts and you don't understand." 

I don't understand. 

Many of the things that have happened lately seen unnecessarily painful, and yet, as I unceasingly turn to the ever elusive "why" to try to console myself, I find that I comprehend so little. I see so vaguely. And still I try to have a solution to every situation thrown at me instead of just turning it over to Christ and trusting that He will handle it all.....in the best possible way. 

As I come to the end of this rather rambling post, I find myself racking my mind to come up with a summary point to end on.......a "why" as to my reason for writing this. And you know what? I just might not have one.....it may just be a need to write this out and publicize it a little bit....or it may be a blessing to someone else.....but here it is. A slightly revealing post for me, but God is faithful, and I know that He is doing everything for my ultimate good, and that what He has started, He will complete.