Jun 12, 2013
It's slightly upsetting to me, and I don't understand why, but I didn't really enjoy today. There are so many wonderful people who love me...who called or sent me something...but for some reason, I still feel lonely. Everyone gives me compliments and is so encouraging, but I feel like a fake. I can't really put it into words very well.....
~Journal Entry from the end of my 18th birthday...Sep. 6, 2011
There's more to me than meets the eye.....behind the self confident, high talking, Biblical sounding, t's crossed, i's dotted, no-loose-ends girl that claims to be the one who writes this blog, there's actually someone quite different. Read that journal entry. Now, the real person is actually quite shy...or is "afraid" the better word? Afraid of being discovered...afraid of being exposed for who she really is.
Well, she gets to hide no longer. Thanks to quite the series of events in the blogging world, and brought to a head by The Real Challenge, this will be a post with the goal of taking off my mask, and 'fessing up.
Isn't it odd how the things we hate the most in other people are often the things we are most guilty of? This first confession is exactly that for me....and the hardest to confess...thus the reason that it's first. In fact, I've gone back and forth on including it....but here goes. One of the things I hate, despise, loathe is a flirtatious girl. And yet, that is one of my biggest struggles. Lots of my good friends are guys, and I am constantly having to check myself in my encounters with them.
Instead of looking for my worth and value in God's eyes, I feed off the affirmation of others. What others say to me or about me affects me so much. While I say that I don't mind being different or "the country kid", I often cringe when my big mouth says something that causes others to look at me funny....(note to self: whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, say/act/do that again)
It's very hard for me to trust people....especially girls. Oh, I'll be friendly and open and nice, but inside, I have a barricade all ready to pop up at the slightest thing. Kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? I care what others say, but think the worst of them....
I often feel like a complete fake. Totally insufficient and unworthy. One of the biggest examples is my piano....I know my pieces are very difficult and that mastering them takes a lot of work, but whenever anyone tells me, "You're so good!", my automatic reaction is, "Wow...I got them fooled."
I HATE feeling out of control....not knowing what's going to happen.
My faith is so weak. Whenever anything goes wrong, I immediately ask "WHY?" and have a very hard time if I can't come up with a reason to satisfy me. This has been something God's really been doing in the past year....prying my eyes off the reasons and onto trust and faith.
I'm a miserable coward.....
afraid of what others think - (I am longing to go delete that first confession)
afraid of what I don't know
afraid to step on other's toes
afraid to be reject or laughed at
afraid to fail
afraid I'll never be married
afraid God doesn't have it all figured out
I despise confrontation or conflict, and will do literally anything to avoid it. Sound like a good thing? Not when it comes to some situations.
Those times when I keep my mouth shut...and I should have said something.
When I cover up for someone...and they actually needed to be caught.
When I don't share the Gospel because someone's feathers might be ruffled...and that's exactly what they needed.
I often feel guilty and ashamed of things I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of...my Mom's had to say to me before, "Lisa - are you being convicted...or feeling guilty?" Because those are two very, very different things!!
I know this verse is rather cliche, but it means so much to me. If only I could get to this place of boasting in my weaknesses.
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Cor. 12:9
And this next verse gives me such hope!!!
And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.
The Lord goes before me. In everything!! He's with me, He loves me, and won't leave me...ever. No matter what I do!
Even if this post makes you all realize how horrible I am and you all run in terror, God won't :) :)
So there it is. No edits or deletes. Just the plain ugly truth. I'm a sinner...big one. But loved and saved by a perfect God!!