“Never forget what Jesus did for you. Never take lightly what it cost Him. And never assume that if it cost Him His very life, that it won't also cost you yours.”
~Rich Mullins

Jun 12, 2013

For Reals?!?

It's slightly upsetting to me, and I don't understand why, but I didn't really enjoy today. There are so many wonderful people who love me...who called or sent me something...but for some reason, I still feel lonely. Everyone gives me compliments and is so encouraging, but I feel like a fake. I can't really put it into words very well.....

~Journal Entry from the end of my 18th birthday...Sep. 6, 2011

There's more to me than meets the eye.....behind the self confident, high talking, Biblical sounding, t's crossed, i's dotted, no-loose-ends girl that claims to be the one who writes this blog, there's actually someone quite different. Read that journal entry. Now, the real person is actually quite shy...or is "afraid" the better word? Afraid of being discovered...afraid of being exposed for who she really is.

Well, she gets to hide no longer. Thanks to quite the series of events in the blogging world, and brought to a head by The Real Challenge, this will be a post with the goal of taking off my mask, and 'fessing up.

Isn't it odd how the things we hate the most in other people are often the things we are most guilty of? This first confession is exactly that for me....and the hardest to confess...thus the reason that it's first. In fact, I've gone back and forth on including it....but here goes. One of the things I hate, despise, loathe is a flirtatious girl. And yet, that is one of my biggest struggles. Lots of my good friends are guys, and I am constantly having to check myself in my encounters with them.

Instead of looking for my worth and value in God's eyes, I feed off the affirmation of others. What others say to me or about me affects me so much. While I say that I don't mind being different or "the country kid", I often cringe when my big mouth says something that causes others to look at me funny....(note to self: whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, say/act/do that again)

It's very hard for me to trust people....especially girls. Oh, I'll be friendly and open and nice, but inside, I have a barricade all ready to pop up at the slightest thing. Kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? I care what others say, but think the worst of them....

I often feel like a complete fake. Totally insufficient and unworthy. One of the biggest examples is my piano....I know my pieces are very difficult and that mastering them takes a lot of work, but whenever anyone tells me, "You're so good!", my automatic reaction is, "Wow...I got them fooled."

I HATE feeling out of control....not knowing what's going to happen.

My faith is so weak. Whenever anything goes wrong, I immediately ask "WHY?" and have a very hard time if I can't come up with a reason to satisfy me. This has been something God's really been doing in the past year....prying my eyes off the reasons and onto trust and faith. 

I'm a miserable coward.....

  afraid of what others think - (I am longing to go delete that first confession)
  afraid of what I don't know
  afraid to step on other's toes
  afraid to be reject or laughed at
  afraid to fail
  afraid I'll never be married
  afraid God doesn't have it all figured out

I despise confrontation or conflict, and will do literally anything to avoid it. Sound like a good thing? Not when it comes to some situations. 

Those times when I keep my mouth shut...and I should have said something. 
When I cover up for someone...and they actually needed to be caught.
When I don't share the Gospel because someone's feathers might be ruffled...and that's exactly what they needed.

I often feel guilty and ashamed of things I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of...my Mom's had to say to me before, "Lisa - are you being convicted...or feeling guilty?" Because those are two very, very different things!! 

I know this verse is rather cliche, but it means so much to me. If only I could get to this place of boasting in my weaknesses. 

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Cor. 12:9

And this next verse gives me such hope!!!

And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed. 

Duet 31:8

The Lord goes before me. In everything!! He's with me, He loves me, and won't leave me...ever. No matter what I do! 

Even if this post makes you all realize how horrible I am and you all run in terror, God won't :) :)

So there it is. No edits or deletes. Just the plain ugly truth. I'm a sinner...big one. But loved and saved by a perfect God!!


  1. Thank you, Lisa! Sharing your feelings is such a hard and difficult task...... I just love you even more for being honest :))) These are all things that each one of us "feel" from time to time but your mom has given you wise words of wisdom! Is this conviction or is this false guilt? The enemy loves to try that path with us, and it even works from time to time. :) But as you so finished up with, it is God that will help you. I love this verse..

    Psa 103:14 For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we [are] dust.

    Praying with you, loving your tenderness towards the things of The Lord, and the wisdom God has given you! I still think you are an amazing young lady! :))) with much love, Mrs. G

    1. Thanks so much, Mrs. G! That is a beautiful verse. Thanks for sharing it with me and for encouraging me...and still loving me ;)

  2. Love you, Lisa. Nothing's changed there. :) Goodness gal, you sound so much like me it'd be funny, if I weren't so serious. I don't have a lot of friends who are guys, but I have brothers who I tease and laugh with, and I too, must take care it doesn't come off flirtatiously when I treat other guys the same way. The part about faith? That paragraph sums up my entire spiritual life this week to a T. :P And honestly, I find it hard to believe many girls could ever truly like the rambunctious, rowdy, adventurous, competitive, farm girl that I am, so I identify with you there, too (girls are strange creatures...). Things I shouldn't have said? All the time. Things I should've said? Guilty. Trust me, Lisa. You are not alone, sweetie.

    I love that verse: do not fear, nor be *dismayed*. How often I am dismayed with myself! But God never is. Our incredible Saviour will continue to perfect us, throughout our many shortcomings, up till the day we die. I honestly cannot wait to stand with you on the brink of eternity complete and perfect, the way we were meant to be before our Lord. :) Thankyou for sharing, Lisa dear. Keep looking up. xoxx

    1. That's exactly it! I've (basically) grown up with brothers, too, and often forget that teasing and razzing someone else can come across in the wrong way.

      Thank you for all your encouragement! Love you bunches :)

      ~A fellow strange creature ;)

  3. Thank you for this post, Lisa. :) I can imagine how hard it was to write it for everyone to see, but to admit your weaknesses means you have courage! One of my favorite scriptures to read if I'm afraid is Psalm 91 because it talks about how God won't leave us. Verses 9 through 11 says, "Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; there shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching, but I felt I had to share this Psalm with you. :) God bless, Lisa!

    1. You're not preaching at all!! Thank you so much for the encouragement and the amazing verse...such a beautiful promise. ♥

  4. Glad you finally posted this - I know what you went through.
    Keep being real with yourself, and you'll be surprised who you really are - who we all really are - in good ways and bad ways. :)

    1. I probably wouldn't have done it if you hadn't posted that challenge ;) Thanks so much, David. I've been thinking about this all day, and have come up with so many more things I could have added. Maybe it needs a sequel......

    2. Heh, I came up with a ton of stuff too, but you're braver than I am if you post a sequel! :P ;)