Restored Joy

For the past couple months, I've been really, really down. Struggling with faith, fighting to love and understand love, emotionally unstable, so very down on myself........it hasn't been fun. A dry spell, I've heard it called. Mine would have been more like a wet spell - I cry a lot. And I sincerely apologize to those of you who have had to put up with me.

But I've been praying about it all.....really praying. Begging God to reveal His love to me, to help me understand my faith in greater detail and that that would help me become more content. Quite honestly, I've been self absorbed. Absorbed in trying to figure out what's wrong, trying to figure out how to fix it, realizing I can't fix it, and trying to figure out how or what to pray so that God fixes it.

Time's gone on, and slowly things have gotten better, but I hadn't really realized how much better. The Bible once again has become so dear to me, I no longer feel "fake" having conversations about God with people, I'm more trusting....more content. But I couldn't pinpoint what had changed, or put my finger on what was different.

Then today it hit me.

Someone said something during church that started a series of chain reactions in my brain.....leading me to realize that God did exactly what I had been praying for. And I didn't even know exactly what I was praying for!! Romans 8:26 came so true for me.
"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

Over the past couple weeks, God has brought a couple different people and situations into my life that have forced me to share my faith and search through Scripture in a way different from anything I've had to do. For the first time, I've been counseling a dear friend through some very rough stuff....things I've never experienced, and it's driven me to Christ. In order to send her verses, to be able to speak truth into her life, I've had to fully realize that truth for myself. He's put things in my path and exposed me to things (unpleasant things, albeit) that have left me realizing how incredibly inadequate and unqualified I am.....and how perfectly sufficient and comforting the Word is.

And so, slowly but surely, without me even noticing it, God has turned my focus back to Him, restored my joy, and made me so grateful! It's amazing the things that can happen when one gets their eyes off of themselves and onto living for others.

" Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Confusion

"How does a creature know the desire of the Creator?
How does a finite mind decipher the infinite?
Can a mortal human truly know the will of an eternal God?
Lately I feel like a tiny little chess piece on the vast playing board of life.....surrounded by my fellow men and soldiers, all pressing towards a common goal. From where I stand, hemmed in with limited vision, I cannot tell what my next move should be. A pawn on my left cries out, 'Move forward!'; a bishop to my right whispers, 'Stay put.' But they are mere playing pieces as well, their perspective limited by their low vantage point. 
And yet, there is a strong and unseen hand guiding my moves - One who has the best perspective, and who can see the whole board. He directs me faithfully, confidently, rightly.....because His way is always best."
-Recent excerpt from my journal

That truly sums up my thought life lately.......to narrow it down to one word, I would say - confusion.

A deep, real uncertainty about God's will for me.

Many factors have gone into it.....life's been rough these past couple weeks. The possible upcoming move has brought with it a whole slew of crazy, unfamiliar emotions, and when you mix those with the circus act that we call everyday life, plus add in unforeseen tragedies and personal struggles, well, I guess I just start to doubt and question. 

I get emotionally overwhelmed and don't understand why.....I become afraid.....afraid to love, to open up, to be hurt again.......I build walls...masks.....anything I feel will aid me in my self-protection. As time and again my defenses fail me, I become desperate, withdrawing quicker and reinforcing the fortress of my battered heart only to find that eventually, one can only retreat so far and hide so long.

God is graciously showing me through His word and through dear people willing to speak the truth, that protecting myself helps nothing. It neither takes away the pain nor brings about happiness......it only isolates, hurts, and hides things that would be better out in the open. 

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Cor. 13:7

Love doesn't look like trying to get through life with the least amount of pain possible.....instead, it looks like giving. Giving selflessly, freely, until it feels like you have nothing left. When you get there, God steps in and says, "My grace is sufficient for you. I promise to give you no more than you can handle.....because I love you unconditionally, and I'm working for your good even when it hurts and you don't understand." 

I don't understand. 

Many of the things that have happened lately seen unnecessarily painful, and yet, as I unceasingly turn to the ever elusive "why" to try to console myself, I find that I comprehend so little. I see so vaguely. And still I try to have a solution to every situation thrown at me instead of just turning it over to Christ and trusting that He will handle it all.....in the best possible way. 

As I come to the end of this rather rambling post, I find myself racking my mind to come up with a summary point to end on.......a "why" as to my reason for writing this. And you know what? I just might not have one.....it may just be a need to write this out and publicize it a little bit....or it may be a blessing to someone else.....but here it is. A slightly revealing post for me, but God is faithful, and I know that He is doing everything for my ultimate good, and that what He has started, He will complete.

10 Things We've Learned From Mom

This quote from Abraham Lincoln rings so, so true in my life. Ultimately, I owe who I am to God, but His number one instrument in shaping my character has been my mom.

For Mother's Day, Jessie and I thought for a while, and came up with some of what we believe are the most important things we've learned from Mom over the years. There are so many more things, but we tried to keep it to the top ten.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

"Be thankful for work! Just imagine if you couldn't......."

Mom is an incredibly hard worker, and is constantly reminding us to appreciate work. It'll be 110 outside, and we'll be out there trimming trees....if anyone starts complaining, she says, "Imagine if you fell and were in a wheelchair - do you know how bad you'd want to be able to trim trees and clean horse stalls? Be thankful for your healthy body and enjoy the work!"

"Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do 
I have another puzzle for you 
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-da-dee 
If you are wise you'll listen to me 
What do you get from a glut of TV? 
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three 
Why don't you try simply reading a book? 
Or can you just not bear to look?"

Just like the Oompa Loompa's in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, Mom has always, always given us books over movies. Growing up, we didn't even have a TV, we can count on two hands the times we've been in a movie theater, and yet we've read hundreds and hundreds of books.

And we wouldn't have it any other way.

She made us book-addicts! Completely addicted! We were the children who would sneak books into bed and read with a flashlight late at night.....or "go to the bathroom" and take a book and be gone for five hours. 

Books stretch your brain. They fuel your imagination in ways that movies never will. 

Ever since we were little, Mom and Dad would give us allowance, and at first it was just $1 a week. The very first thing we were supposed to do was give $.10 to God. Always. No matter how little we made.

Mom has carried this principle over into her business in a huge way, and we all firmly believe that God has blessed her for it. 

Mom and Dad have been married for 21 years this year. It definitely hasn't always been easy....any one of us girls will tell you that. But the one thing that has kept them together is the commitment that they made before God to never, ever give up on each other. To quote Fireproof, "Never leave your partner behind....especially in a fire." The tough times are the times that grow and strengthen a relationship, and I know each one of us girls will walk into our future marriages knowing that it is a life long commitment. 

Anyone who knows us knows that we have animals...............lots of them. Mom raised us to feed the animals before our own breakfast, to keep the barn clean even if the house wasn't perfect, and to always care for the creatures we've been given before we make ourselves comfortable. Our animals are dependent on us for care, and if we don't do our part, it's a serious problem. Some of the times we've been in the worst trouble are over forgetting to feed or care for an animal.

On the flip side, she has also taught us that ultimately, people are made in the image of God...animals are not. If someone is starving, we'll shoot an animal to feed them. 

But if you're not starving, and the animal needs care..............get out there and do it.

One of Mom's goals in homeschooling us has been to teach us how to learn. She has always been a firm believer in learning how to learn on your own and not having to have all your information fed to you. School was important, but many times, she'd say, "Cancel school.........today you're going to learn how to build a website. Google it, call who you need to, and get it done." 

Or, "Cancel school! Today we're studying how to birth out a miniature horse."
Or, "Cancel school! Today we're doing our geography by walking around the zoo studying where the different animals come from."
Or, "Cancel school! Someone is coming over who needs some help/encouragement/fun/a-shoulder-to-cry-on and we're going to be there for them." 

All three of us girls have developed multiple skills that we certainly didn't have originally! Music is the biggest one.....we are not a musical family. At all. Like, picture the most opposite of musically talented, and that's us! But through years of practice, sometimes forced practice!, we've all become extremely competitive piano players. 

At the same time, she always stressed that you have to put everything into trying to do the best, but if you don't win..........go congratulate the winner. You can only do your best, and then the rest is up to God! Never be a sore loser. Always tell the winner how happy you are for them. And mean it.

Mom has a somewhat unknown nickname..........The Interrogator. If you meet her, within 10 minutes, she'll know quite a bit about your life story. But she has a way of doing it that's non-intrusive because she is honestly, sincerely interested in your life.

Our house is Grand Central Station. Quite literally. On almost any given day, there will be a minimum of 2 cars in the driveway, and I think one of the main reasons for that is Mom's ability to touch people's lives. She has made our house a place where people can come and talk to someone who cares. 

But it's not all serious heart-to-heart talks. It's craziness, fun, laughter, and a real family who has struggles and problems and fun and everything that happens in life. 

Whatever you do, do it all the way.
When we went to Worlds for the first time in 2012, we weren't expecting anything big. We were just there to have fun, meet people, see gorgeous horses, share God's love, and have some awesome family time. Then Mom and Design won. Everything. World champion, reserve world champions, and the reserve World Grand champion. It was surreal!
Looking back on it afterwards, we all said, "You know, we really should have seen that coming." Because anything Mom does, she does all the way. She puts her all into anything she does in life.

But putting her all into it doesn't always mean winning. She put everything she had into training Beamer for Nationals 2013, and he bombed on her. Completely failed......showing is so hard for him. She was crushed, but came back and kept working, and kept working, and at the local show this spring, Beamer brought home the blues!

Last but not least, she always makes us laugh!! 

Burp dances......putting the clothes in the dishwasher.....forgetting where she hides things......twisting her words.....dancing around the kitchen playing air guitar on the broom.........tap dancing on the deck in English boots.....

♥ ♥ ♥ WE LOVE YOU, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

Waiting...

Waiting......it's something that's hard. It's something I'm not good at. It's a necessary part of life, and yet one of the hardest to accept.

It's so tied into contentment, another weak spot of mine. 

I want to be married....
I want to move out of Phoenix.....
I wish I was shorter.....
I wish bad things didn't happen.....
I get discontent with my discontent.

And then I remember verses like these....

"Be still, and know that I am God" Ps. 46:10

"I am the Lord, and there is no other;There is no God besides Me." Is. 45:5

"The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying:
“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." Jer. 31:3

 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matt. 6:31-34

After reading those, the waiting, and the worry, and the discontent always get slapped in the face, and my priorities are set straight again. 

So thankful for God's Word and the comfort, conviction, and encouragement that it brings!!!!!

Goodnight, my dear friends xoxo

Thankful..........

One of the biggest blessings in my life? These people right here. My best friends.

These crazy, silly, outrageous, amazing, supportive people.

We've grown up together, made memories together.... There's been plenty of times we've all made each other crazy, but we couldn't love each other more. God has seriously blessed me!! This picture is the best thing that happened today...we've never had a single good picture of us all together. 

And this one just for kicks ;)

"Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
Let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving,
And declare His works with rejoicing."
Ps. 107:21-22

Strength

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Happy Friday, everyone!!!

Seven Years of Change

It has finally come. I've been thinking about tonight quite a lot over the past couple of months. Tonight marks a turning point for me, a loss of something I will never get back.

Tonight is my last night as a teenager.

And while that is so exciting and I look eagerly forward to what God will do with me in these next few years, I can't help but say good-bye to these past seven years with a twinge of sadness.

I remember so clearly the day I turned 13....we spent it at the newly opened Cabela's that was just twenty minutes from our house. Everyone who called to wish me a happy birthday inevitably asked, "Sooo...how does it feel to be a teenager?" And I inevitably answered, "No different than it felt to be twelve!" But I lied. It felt different....just a teeny, weeny little bit more grown up.

Looking back, I was so naive. Over the past seven years, God has changed me in ways that I wouldn't trade for anything. And I have also changed in areas that I wish with all my heart I could go back and undo.

(at thirteen and twenty) :) :)

**               **                  **

At thirteen, I had little to no idea of what responsibility was.
Now at twenty, there are times I feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life.

At thirteen, Mom told me, "guard your heart!", and I thought, "Wow, I must be a really good girl...this is easy!"
Now at twenty, boys suddenly don't have cooties and guarding my heart is a whole lot harder than I realized.

At thirteen, I had this vague, never admitted idea that because I was homeschooled, my parents were Christians, and I had said "the prayer", I was going to heaven.
Not at twenty, I realize that my faith has to be oh-so-much my own. That nothing anyone else did or is doing can earn me points with God. And for that matter, nothing I can do will earn me those points either.

At thirteen, I was so innocent...so trusting and willing to believe.
Now at twenty, I question. I doubt. I've been hurt, built walls, and find trust hard to come by.

**               **                  **

I've learned that you can do almost anything in life with God and hard work. Naturally, I don't have talent. Period.
People hear me play the piano and say how it must be so nice to have musical ability...and I laugh. Me? Musical ability? Oh honey, you haven't seen the tears, and the pain, and the years and years of hard work and playing the same five notes over and over again.
I post my photography on Facebook and people say how wonderful my work is and how blessed I am to have such an eye. What eye? I'm only showing you the top 10 of the thousands and thousands of pictures I've taken. You haven't heard the critiques and the "don't show that to anyone else" that my dear family and friends have used to train me. You haven't witnessed the excitement of running out to get the one shot I've been dreaming of for months.....only to not be able to get it.
All that to say that my mom has always stressed that the most important thing to learn is how to learn. If you can research and practice and be disciplined, talent isn't that important. Oh, it's nice and wonderful to have talent, I bet.....but not necessary.




I've learned how important it is to enjoy people! A problem I have is that I tend to be slow to trust and open up, and as such, I have few close friends. Another thing my mom says is that, "The most important thing in your life is your relationship to God. The second most important thing is your relationships with other people." Not until close friends have left have I started to realize the extreme value of fellow believers. Don't put off a friendship...dive in headfirst, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and don't build walls when you get hurt. Cause people leave, and you miss them, and have regrets...about things you could have done differently.

I've learned that life doesn't work like books and movies. This has been a huge lesson for me. I tend to have gargantuan hopes and expectations, and when real life doesn't meet up with my idealistic mental world, I despair.
The friend got cancer.....
The baby horse didn't live....
The questions come....
The hero doesn't ride in.....
And God is still good and in control.
Just yesterday morning, our vet (who also happens to be a very special man and a strong believer) told me a story that will stick with me a while.
"Many years ago, we and another couple were starting a home church. This other couple was very dear to us and extremely vital in the progress of what we believed was God's will.
Then it happened. A drunk driver at a speed of 100 mph hit them as they were out driving one evening. He killed the wife and her father, and severely injured the husband.
Over the next couple of weeks, I wrestled in agony with the question, 'Is God still good?' I just didn't understand how this could have been part of the plan. Then one morning, I went in to work at the zoo. As I walked back to the aviaries, I noticed a strange thing. All the Wood Ducks were standing in a perfectly straight row, with their heads tilted at a funny angle - right eyes on the ground, left eyes turned up towards the sky. I asked the lady who worked back there, 'Is this normal behavior for them?' Immediately, she replied, "Oh, there must be a hawk around." I looked up, and sure enough, above the mesh netting of their enclosure, a hawk soared.
As I left the ducks and went on to the rest of my day, I glanced back one more time. There they were...still all standing in that funny position. And I thought to myself, 'You stupid ducks....can't you see there's a net between you and that hawk?'
And it hit me. That's what I was doing. I was acting just like those ducks....looking and only seeing the bad, the scary, the evil horrible part that loomed over me, flying low, casting a shadow over my entire life. But in between me and the evil - there's God.
He's saying, 'Can't you see? I've got you covered. The evil can't get to you no matter how hard it tries because my love covers you, protects you, and surrounds you. You can trust and rest because you're beneath the net of my love and power.'"

I've learned that life goes by so fast. One moment I'm looking forward to something that seems it will never come....and the next moment, it's just a memory. And because of this, I have to love life right where I am, as imperfect as it may seem. It's more than contentment, it's finding joy in the little things of life and always having your eyes open to what God is trying to show you. Even if it's a line of Wood Ducks.

I've learned that I put far, far too much thought into and too high a priority on getting married. Often, I feel like the Prince in that wonderful silly movie "Ever After" when he says,

"Do you really think there is only one perfect mate? And how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or they do, but you're too distracted to notice?
"Let's say...God...puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But.....one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it?
"Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the one you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first...or...was the second one supposed to be first?
"And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?"
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa...cant' I just slow down and leave things in God's hands...instead of trying to handle situations on my own?




Which leads me to the next thing I've learned.....stay out of God's way! He knows what is best in such an infinitely greater way than I do; how can I ever have the audacity to think that He's wrong? Trust. Faith. That's what it comes down to. The questions will come, and the world won't make sense, but for heaven's sake, don't think you're the one to fix it!

And while I can speak eloquently about all these wonderful things I've learned, it's rare that I remember to put them all into practice. So I really hope this doesn't sound like I've got it all figured out....cause I'm a far cry from there.

**               **                  **

I wonder - where will I be in the next seven years? What will I have to show? Will my words, actions, and thoughts have brought glory to God...or will they be wasted?

I'll end with some of the Scriptures that have come to mean so much to me....

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Phil. 1:6

"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” Deut. 31:8

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:19

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matt. 6:33-34

It's The Thought That Counts!

Can you imagine if everyone could read your thoughts? You know, like those funny little thought bubbles you see in cartoons - what if one of those always floated above your head, broadcasting your thoughts for all to see?

Disturbing? I agree.

I was talking about this with a good friend a few weeks ago, and it's been rolling around in my mind ever since. Of course, we all know that what we think is just as bad as what we say, we all know that God reads our thoughts, and we're all very careful not to say more than half of what we think.

Why is it that it's so easy for me to keep my mouth shut, but so hard to take my thoughts captive?

Girls, I think it's especially hard for us. We, or at least I, have a tendency to fantasize. Everything. We easily function based on our emotions - rational or not. One little thought can send us spinning off into...well, that's just not stuff you say.

And it's not stuff you should think.

This can range anywhere from a romantic-type fantasy all the way to getting in an argument and holding your tongue, but thinking oh-so-terrible things about the other person.

Two verses that really hit me about this.....

1 Chronicles 28:9 "for the Lord searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts..."

Romans 2:16 "....God judges the secrets of men according to Jesus Christ."

Should our attitude be "if it's not nice/edifying/pure/profitable/you-name-it, don't say it" or "if it's not nice/edifying/pure/profitable/you-name-it, don't think it"?

I'm starting to realize I've been way too lenient with my thought life. What are your thoughts (no pun intended) on all this?

Ponderings about Election...

Don't you just *love* how whenever your pondering on something, God just keeps throwing answers and Scriptures in your face again and again?!? Happened to me today!

Lately, I've read some things that have both challenged and made me re-solidify one of my fundamental beliefs, the doctrine of election. I talked to Mom, did some thinking, read a couple Scriptures, and went on my way.

Until today.

During my quiet time today, I came across Romans 9. WHOA!!!!

"And not only this, but when Rebecca also had conceived by one man, even by our father Isaac (for the children not yet being born, nor having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works but of Him who calls),  it was said to her, “The older shall serve the younger.”As it is written, “Jacob I have loved, but Esau I have hated.” 

"What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not! For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.” So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy.

"For the Scripture says to the Pharaoh,“For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.” Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens. You will say to me then, “Why does He still find fault? For who has resisted His will?” But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor? 

"What if God, wanting to show His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, and that He might make known the riches of His glory on the vessels of mercy, which He had prepared beforehand for glory, even us whom He called, not of the Jews only, but also of the Gentiles?" 

One of the arguments I had heard was that it wouldn't be just for God to create man with a free will and then judge him for sinning. This Scripture so totally answered that for me!!

Who are we to say to God "why did you make man like this"? How arrogant for us to ever try to guess why God does what He does. 

Anyways......that Scripture just helped grow my faith a little today, and I thought I'd share it :) 

'Night all  ♥ ♥ ♥

For Reals?!?

It's slightly upsetting to me, and I don't understand why, but I didn't really enjoy today. There are so many wonderful people who love me...who called or sent me something...but for some reason, I still feel lonely. Everyone gives me compliments and is so encouraging, but I feel like a fake. I can't really put it into words very well.....
~Journal Entry from the end of my 18th birthday...Sep. 6, 2011

There's more to me than meets the eye.....behind the self confident, high talking, Biblical sounding, t's crossed, i's dotted, no-loose-ends girl that claims to be the one who writes this blog, there's actually someone quite different. Read that journal entry. Now, the real person is actually quite shy...or is "afraid" the better word? Afraid of being discovered...afraid of being exposed for who she really is.

Well, she gets to hide no longer. Thanks to quite the series of events in the blogging world, and brought to a head by The Real Challenge, this will be a post with the goal of taking off my mask, and 'fessing up.

Isn't it odd how the things we hate the most in other people are often the things we are most guilty of? This first confession is exactly that for me....and the hardest to confess...thus the reason that it's first. In fact, I've gone back and forth on including it....but here goes. One of the things I hate, despise, loathe is a flirtatious girl. And yet, that is one of my biggest struggles. Lots of my good friends are guys, and I am constantly having to check myself in my encounters with them.

Instead of looking for my worth and value in God's eyes, I feed off the affirmation of others. What others say to me or about me affects me so much. While I say that I don't mind being different or "the country kid", I often cringe when my big mouth says something that causes others to look at me funny....(note to self: whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, say/act/do that again)

It's very hard for me to trust people....especially girls. Oh, I'll be friendly and open and nice, but inside, I have a barricade all ready to pop up at the slightest thing. Kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? I care what others say, but think the worst of them....

I often feel like a complete fake. Totally insufficient and unworthy. One of the biggest examples is my piano....I know my pieces are very difficult and that mastering them takes a lot of work, but whenever anyone tells me, "You're so good!", my automatic reaction is, "Wow...I got them fooled."

I HATE feeling out of control....not knowing what's going to happen.

My faith is so weak. Whenever anything goes wrong, I immediately ask "WHY?" and have a very hard time if I can't come up with a reason to satisfy me. This has been something God's really been doing in the past year....prying my eyes off the reasons and onto trust and faith. 

I'm a miserable coward.....
  afraid of what others think - (I am longing to go delete that first confession)
  afraid of what I don't know
  afraid to step on other's toes
  afraid to be reject or laughed at
  afraid to fail
  afraid I'll never be married
  afraid God doesn't have it all figured out

I despise confrontation or conflict, and will do literally anything to avoid it. Sound like a good thing? Not when it comes to some situations. 
Those times when I keep my mouth shut...and I should have said something. 
When I cover up for someone...and they actually needed to be caught.
When I don't share the Gospel because someone's feathers might be ruffled...and that's exactly what they needed.

I often feel guilty and ashamed of things I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of...my Mom's had to say to me before, "Lisa - are you being convicted...or feeling guilty?" Because those are two very, very different things!! 

I know this verse is rather cliche, but it means so much to me. If only I could get to this place of boasting in my weaknesses. 

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 
2 Cor. 12:9

And this next verse gives me such hope!!!

And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed. 
Duet 31:8

The Lord goes before me. In everything!! He's with me, He loves me, and won't leave me...ever. No matter what I do! 

Even if this post makes you all realize how horrible I am and you all run in terror, God won't :) :)

So there it is. No edits or deletes. Just the plain ugly truth. I'm a sinner...big one. But loved and saved by a perfect God!!

Hidden

Hidden

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He turned the truck off and slipped out from behind the wheel unsuspectingly. The silence of a place untouched by man's destructive hands greeted him, and he sighed contentedly - yes, they had been right...this place was gorgeous.

In front of him, the meadow fairly glowed with peace and happiness. Every beautiful yellow flower, every happy bird, even the sun itself - all sent forth a message of joyfulness that did his tired heart good. Marveling at the ability this place had to brighten his day, he set off through the flowers towards the trees beyond.

More calming beauty awaited him. These trees were old....and striking in their age. Their huge gnarled trunks were filled with a silent strength that made him glad they were firmly rooted in the ground. He slid to the ground and let his mind wander for a moment. The things they could do if these trees were able to walk and move! The branches looked like gigantic muscles...waiting for something to come that would put into action a strength beyond our imagination.

The bushes next to him rustled and he turned his head slowly to meet the startled eyes of a little fox. Indignant at the intrusion, the critter whirled around and dashed out of sight. He grinned and started on again. This place invigorated him! The very air was full of  joy....love....contentment...

His pace slowed. There was something off to his right...a darkness through the trees. Changing his course, he started towards it. It was a shadow. Just a shadow - nothing more, but it spoke of something. Discontent, maybe? Something not quite right. But then it was gone. He shook his head as if he was just waking up. Surely there was no discontentment here! Looking over his shoulder, he saw to his satisfaction that the shadow was gone. He must have imagined it.

As he kept going, it became obvious that he was getting pretty deep into the heart of the forest. No longer was there a path....the weeds and grass got higher and harder to walk through. It was as if the forest itself had put up a "No Trespassing" sign. But he was not to be stopped. His progress got slower and slower as he was forced to climb over fallen trees and cut through overgrown weeds.

Then he found it. The hidden heart of the forest.

It was nothing like the outside....nothing at all. Dark, overgrown, and filled with a sadness that entwined itself around everything. Winds of confusion whispered through the branches, and echoes of incompetence and insufficiency surrounded him. There were no flowers here, no birds. Nothing that in any way resembled the bright joy and happiness that surrounded it.

Confused, he turned to leave. Slowly at first, then faster and faster until he was running frantically through the trees. Running for the bright sun and the happy flowers. He burst out of the forest exhausted.

Shaken by what he had seen, he sank to the ground. It dawned on him slowly.....the forest was a picture. A picture of himself. His friends called him the "life-of-the-party", the happy, contented one. People loved to be around him. But deep within the heart of this man....hard to get to, and thickly protected with fallen logs and weeds - there was a weak spot. A vulnerable and hurting spot.

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What do you hide inside yourself? 

What is protected inside your fallen logs and overgrown brush? 

I know this is true of me....I can hide my real feelings oh so well. There's a "normal, around-people me" and a "by-myself me". Cutting down the weeds and clearing the fallen logs is hard work. Maybe painful work. But clearing a path is a worthy goal to work towards....not that every person you know needs access to it. But be willing to be vulnerable.

And remember that a lot of people you know have a hidden part of them. A place hard to get to....but a place that may need a reminder that there is a sun out there....and bright flowers.

"The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."

Prov. 20:5

Loving Praise

I came across this verse today, and it hit me hard. 

"Nevertheless even among the rulers many believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God." John 12:42-43

How often do we love man's praise more than God's? 

How often do we feel insufficient because we aren't meeting the "standard" we've set in our mind?

How often does it cause us to "not confess Him"? To compromise our actions? To put on an act to be accepted? Or to overachieve because we feel insufficient? 

The answer, at least for me, is "far too often". I often feel that I'm not good enough...either in my personality, my looks, my knowledge....and as a result, try to change how I am. 

If only I could realize that when I feel this way, it's only because I don't accept how much God loves me and has accepted me. If I'm insecure, it's because I'm not trusting His promises. 

It's a dangerous thing, and can wreak havoc in my own life, and the lives of those around me. I think it's something we all struggle with to some degree, but it's been on my mind lately. 

This story is one that really put it all into perspective for me....if you're like me and are always wanting to change how you are, this story is for you.

http://bushmaid.blogspot.com/2013/03/switches-short-story.html

Wounds Heal...Scars Fade....

Just a quick post here....this way you don't come visit my blog and the first thing you read is a despairing post!

Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement. I just wanted to update and let you all know that things are slowly getting better. Things will never be the same again, but wounds heal, and even scars can eventually fade.

I'm sorry to be so vague, but the family doesn't want the details being widely spread. Short story is the father died an extremely tragic and unexpected death, and left six young kids and a wife who are hurting deeply and very confused. They don't have God in their lives which complicates everything further.

But God is good, I've been stretched and grown through this, and we are being able to witness to and support this family like crazy.

Hopefully, I can post soon on all God's shown me as a result of this trial. But for now....goodnight!

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7

In The Moment

I know I've mentioned this on here before, but haven't gone into a lot of detail....some of you know more than others. 

Back in October, four days after we got home from the World show, I flew out to Oregon. One of my mom's long-time-closest-friends had been diagnosed with cancer, and needed some extra help as they started up treatment. 

So off I went - scared to death. Literally. First time away from home by myself, first time to fly (ever!), first time with no parents to make decisions for me, first time to be so...well...responsible. 

My time there was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had to date. When I first got home, I sat down all excited and ready to blog about my time in OR...and had no clue what to write. Everything I had learned and experienced and wrestled through was too fresh to try to summarize. Only now, after being home for 3 months today, have I been able to fully realize the main things that this trip taught me. 

In a nutshell:

1. Live in the moment

2. Be thankful

Wow!! Revolutionary, right? Mind-boggling-ly theological life lessons. 

Not.

Or is it?

I spent a lot of my "little-kid life" wanting to be a teenager...then a lot of my teenage life wanting to be 18...now I'm coming up on 20 and I want to stay 19! Doesn't it seem like that's always the case? If we're single, we want to be married...if we are an only child, we want siblings...if we have 10 siblings, we want to be an only child...if we live in the desert, we want to live in the mountains...

Good grief! As I lived with this family for 6 weeks, and watched all the emotions that surround a mother of 5 young kids coming down with cancer, I realized how little we value each moment. It showed me how desperately I need to switch my thinking from, "I want to - be a different age - look a different way - live in a different place -" to "I love my life. All of it."  

This verse sums it up well for me. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matt 6:34) Stop worrying about tomorrow, wishing for tomorrow, dreaming about tomorrow...you've got enough to think about today. Make the most of it, live in the moment, and glorify God no matter what your season of life!! 

Sounds great, right? But how do you go about doing this?

I am convinced the key is a grateful heart. There was one morning in OR, and Ms Julie was in a lot of pain. I asked her how she was doing, and she replied, "Grateful." In amazed silence, I sat and watched as she sat there with tears in her eyes from the pain, saying, "I have realized lately that a grateful heart can never be a bitter heart; can never be an angry heart; can never be a discontent heart. A grateful heart puts everything in the right perspective." 

It's so true. When I got home, I would realize that for me, a "bad day" meant I had a headache, got told to do something I didn't want to do, and as the final straw, my mp3 player wasn't charged and I had no music. Golly, isn't life hard?!? Oh boy did I have some reality checks! 

One of my favorite phrases to use now is, "if that's all that's wrong - your life really isn't that bad." Now I am in no way trying to make light of someone who is in a seriously hard situation. Far from it!! I'm merely talking about the way we have these tiny little trials in our day to day lives that can make us so grumpy! 

If we only realized how blessed we really are, and were as grateful as we should be, we would have a very different outlook on life. The Bible tells us over and over again, "be thankful," "with thanksgiving," be grateful"...we should take it seriously.

I would challenge you, as you go about your daily routine, look at things like you'll never see them again, and realize how grateful we should be for them. Little things...your car, a beautiful sunset, the ability to walk and do chores, hard work, your mom, your sometimes annoying little sibling, your health - what if these things left? And they can.

Be grateful, and then live in each moment you have been given...living it to its fullest...not asking for any more.

Wheels Are Spinnin'

Luke 6:30-31
Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.

Been thinking on this verse lately....and been convicted by it. Give to everyone who asks, it says. Not when I feel like it, or when it's easy, or when it's a friend instead of a sister, or whether it's a big thing. Just give. Ouch.

Your thoughts?

2012 In Review!!! (a la photographs)

I have never done a post like this before, but I am determined to sit down and actually do it this year.

Why?

Cause this year was awesome!!! Super fun times with family and friends, couple big milestones, lessons learned, and mistakes made.

And, you guessed it, the story will be told in pictures!

January 2012

1. Very fun hike in the Whitetanks with family and bestest friends...

We may look nice and sane and normal.....

....but don't let us fool you!!

2. Awesome shooting day with church family!

February 2012

1. Gold Rush Days Rodeo (LOVE rodeos!!!)

March 2012

1. Final high school piano competition!!! And the one I ever did the best at!! That is one of the only reasons graduating made me sad...no more piano competitions.

2. Touch of Class Miniature Horse Show

Yeah, Jess and I tend to get some funny stares...two girls both over 6' tall with sweats and  Ariats. Makes for quite the combination.

This was the first show when we started thinking, "Hmmm.....maybe we should go to Worlds...." We had no idea what lay ahead!

3. Jack, our first 2012 baby, was  born!

April 2012

1. Our next 2012 baby, Thunder, was born!!

Accompanied by the usual celebratory Breakfast-in-Barn and goofiness!

Don't I do a wonderful job of looking innocent? :)

May 2012

1. Got my first photo job ever!!! I photographed a horse show and sold prints afterwards...very professional feeling!

June 2012

This was an eventful month, let me tell you!

1. Third colt of 2012, Ruger, was born! And immediately showed signs of a ruptured bladder and had to be rushed to the vet hospital!

2. On the way home from said hospital, deafening explosion shocks Mom, Jess, and I. And we quickly enter the temporary School of Hard Knocks while learning how to change a trailer tire on our own!

3. Went to Shooter's World for Father's Day! This was the first time my sister's and I had been there...it was loud. :)

4. I found out that I was "bicycle-y challenged" http://musicalcowgirl4christ.blogspot.com/2012/06/bike-riding-mishap.html and walked like a 90 year old for a while as a result.

5. I graduated!!! Nuff said :)

5. Went camping with our church, and had an epic time!!!

Me with my brother and sister feeling very proud of ourselves...we had swum out to a big rock, climbed up it, and jumped off 25-30 feet into the water. Crazy fun!!

Did some super fun and silly photo shoots :)

Caught crawdads!

Commemorated our time at the lake

And slept with handguns behind our heads due to fear of bears!

 6. We came up with a first rate mathematical equation....
Miniature horses + surfboards + flood irrigation + people willing to fall = EPIC summer fun!!

Nothin' much happened in July except for hot temperatures and beautiful skies!

August 2012

1. I gave my long awaited, dreaded, and dreamed about senior piano recital! An incredible experience that pushed me out of my comfort zone, grew my faith, made me feel so loved, and brought much joy to all involved!

2. More boogie-boarding...with horses or without...who cares?

3. Supported our local Chick-fil-A wholeheartedly!!

4. Had a splashingly great time at our church's water day!!! Everyone got together and got as wet as possible!!! It was sooo fun.

Yes, this is my mom :)

I also took one of my favorite pictures ever at the Water Day!

September 2012

1. I turned.....

And we headed up north with some super awesome friends to play get a break from the heat and play in the water! Only to go on a day when it was POURING rain and FREEZING cold. The water was icy...but we had a blast nonetheless. Yes, I am shivering and my teeth are chattering in the above picture :)

After a while, we built a fire to warm up...and read the Word and sang some songs.

Then, the sun came out, and we caught crawdads....until everyone got tired.....

2. Towards the end of the month, we packed up and headed for the World miniature horse show in Ft Worth, Texas. And what a time it was! You can read more about it here... http://musicalcowgirl4christ.blogspot.com/2012/12/worlds.html

October 2012 

1. While we were at Worlds, our last 2012 baby was born...without us here!! My brother foaled Mickey out all by himself! So proud of him...

2. I did something I've never, ever come close to doing before.....

Got on a plane by myself and left my family and flew to the cold and stormy land of Oregon for six weeks!! What an amazing experience! My mom's best friend was diagnosed with cancer, and she is doing alternative treatment. Having 5 adorable amazing kiddos that needed help warranted my coming. 

The time I spent up there was unreal. I learned SO MUCH about everything....the kitchen and cooking, teaching kids to read, going deer hunting, helping butcher chickens, having wonderful talks with Ms Julie. I was so blessed to do this. 

But coming home was so wonderful. I felt so loved by my family - I never guessed they'd miss me so much! And I missed them terribly. When I met them at the Phoenix airport, we all started crying...I was overwhelmed! 

Please keep Ms Julie in your prayers....she's not out of the woods by any means yet.

Helping out with juices and meds :)

I got to see the ocean for the first time in my 19 years of life!!

Helping butcher chickens :)

Beautiful Oregon sunrise!!

Lunch at Camp 18 - a super cool logging camp/restaurant!

November 2012

1. Came home from Oregon!

2. Had a wonderful Thanksgiving at my Grandparent's in Tucson!

December 2012

1. Did tons of super fun family Christmas pictures!!

2. My sisters and I had our Christmas piano recital...

3. Decorated for and celebrated Christmas!!!

4. Went and saw the Hobbit in Imax 3D. It was stunning!

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That's all, folks!

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All in all, 2012 was an awesome year.....

God taught me so much...in the summer, I started the study Quieting A Noisy Soul, and that was revolutionary for me. I started learning more and more about God's character, and the more I learned, the more I realized how little I actually know. He is SO far beyond our comprehension....in His power, love, faithfulness, mercy....

There was one time in Oregon, I went for a walk by myself, and I was just walking in the beautiful country, thinking and praying, and I was so overwhelmed by God's love that I literally stopped in the middle of the road and started crying. So much of Scripture has become so precious to me. The more I realize how bad and awful I am, and the more the Lord reveals how perfect and holy He is, I am humbled, terrified, and just grateful beyond belief.

Some goals for 2013:

1. To read my Bible through again!

2. To test every thought, MOTIVE, word, and deed and see if it is "in the name of the Lord Jesus." (Colossians 3:17) 

3. To learn a Brahms Hungarian Rhapsody duet with my teacher!

4. To buy a new camera

5. To (hopefully, hopefully) finish up our worldview course

6. To become better at accepting correction - as in, more grateful and cheerful about it.

7. To take my little mare, Treasure, to Nationals

8. To read more books (outside of the Bible) about God's character

9. To tell my family "I love you" more

10. To enjoy EVERYTHING that God brings my way....to laugh and sing and dance and LOVE whatever comes. Good or bad.

Oh, and one more thing...I can't really call it a goal because I can't control it or achieve it. Maybe a desire? I'd really, really, reeaally like to meet the man God wants me to spend the rest of my life with. Something totally out of my hands, but the thing I want most of anything right now. And in the meantime, repeating Phil. 4:11 constantly - In whatever state, I am to be content. To be thankful. To enjoy the moment. 

Because the present becomes the past so quickly.