May 19, 2013
Courtship Question
I've been doing some thinking about courtship lately, and have a question for all you wonderful people.
When/if someone asks to court you (or for guys - when you go to ask to court a girl), how important should it be that your hobbies/interests match up or at least support each other?
For instance.....the three main loves in my life are horses, photography, and music. In no specific order :) Of course, I don't expect to marry an equine photographer who composes epic music in his spare time while wearing a cowboy hat and Wranglers! But on the flip side, with the hobbies God's put in my life, I could never see marrying a guy who loves the city, and would never dream of roughing it in a tent in the woods just enjoying this beautiful world.
Anyways....as most of you all blog readers are young single Christians like myself who are thinking through these things as well (or awesome moms who are thinking about this for their kids), I'd love your thoughts!
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For me it depends on the interests. For example, I am an aviation nut, but I don't expect the girl I marry to be one :). On the other hand I am a solid bonifide country boy, I would not court or marry a city girl who wanted to stay in the city. That is one interest that must be the same, she must at least want to be country girl for unless the Lord led so, I would never move to the city while the earth remains. So basically weigh the interests carefully. Will you hate some of that persons interests/hobbies? Will they hate some of yours? Are you willing to give up said conflicting hobby or interest for them? What about look past an interest of theirs that you don't particularly care for? Are any of their interests in your mind a costly waste of time? If yes to that one, I'd say, move on. It will cause friction later if you marry them.
ReplyDeleteJust my two cents,
Flame of Jah
Thanks so much, Flame. Great thoughts....guess it'll just take picking which hills are big enough to die on :)
DeleteGood question! Personally I think there is a difference between hobbies and interests (non-essential), and lifestyle and culture (essential). For instance - same as you - I couldn't marry a city guy who wanted me to live in an apartment in Sydney. :P (Well I could, if God expressly told me to, but hey...) However, I *could* marry a tech-savvy country guy. He might like computers more than I do, but so long we both came from the same culture/lifestyle, I could live with it.
ReplyDeleteI think you know what kind of guy I'd be looking to marry by my "Get up and Go" blog post I wrote a few months back. So in my case, so long as the guy who asked to court me came from a relatively similar lifestyle (i.e., country, get up and go, family-family loving, homeschooled, etc.) I could live with other things (i.e., a love of V8 supercar racing, football, math, nerdy stuff, etc.).
I would have to lay it down straight away though that some things about me I couldn't change. The guy will have to live with my Planetshakers and Piano Guys almost 24/7, the kind of church I go to probably wouldn't be changing in a hurry, homeschooling is the only way, and sorry, I can't give up wearing jeans. ;)
Definitely good stuff to think about though, thanks for raising the question! :D
That'ts a good point. Different hobbies....or different lives? Good points.
DeleteThanks so much for taking the time to comment!! BTW...love your list of unchangeable things ;)
Hmmm...this is a great question...generating a lot of discussion around here :-) One clarifying question for you? The obvious was not stated here but because of our friendship I am going out on a limb and saying that it is a given. What is the young man's relationship with Jesus... Is the hobbies/interest item more of a secondary issue in your decision or is it primary? Is his relationship with His Savior a primary in your decision? Just want to clarify these because these are comments being made behind the scenes here. It seems as if Bushmaid touched on this also. Thanks Lisa! It is a great question and is a good one to process. I will post my answer later after much prayer, and hearing your answer to the above questions :-) Lots of love, Mrs. G.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs. G!! I was looking forward to your comment :) This question actually came up for me as a result of our conversation the other day about a "list" ;)
DeleteFirst off....this is just a theoretical question. No specific young man in mind here. Just a thought I've been having. And yes, you are more than right...a strong relationship with God is the first and foremost qualifying factor. There are so many things more important than this question, but I just thought I'd throw this one out there. I'm merely talking about hobbies such as horses, photography, cars, music, airplanes, art...whatever.
Does that help? Looking forward to your answer!!
Lots of love!
Lisa
The calling of the wife to her husband is to leave her family to begin his family, to leave her friends to be his friend, and to drop her hobbies to be his helper. According to Genesis 1:28 and 2:18, dominion is the calling, friend and companion is the position, and helper of the man who needs her is the role. The girl who embraces this calling is the girl who is ready to marry.
ReplyDeleteSound demanding? It is nothing more than what is required of the husband in Ephesians 5, to give himself for his wife as Christ did for the church. If this sounds trite, consider that Jesus lived for us, missing meals, getting up well before daybreak to pray, and having no place to sleep at night. After living for us, Jesus died for us. As we showed him the ultimate rejection, he loved us, pleading that we would have mercy. The duty of the husband is very simple, very hard, and possible in Christ.
This may sound unromantic, but it makes marriages testify to the love of Christ and families testify to the harmony of heaven.
Good to hear from you, Luke!
DeleteI would completely agree with you that the meat of the matter is that the woman is to be a helper to the man who is to take dominion for the Kingdom.
That said, I am curious if you can back up from Scripture that she is to "leave her friends to be his friend, and to drop her hobbies to be his helper"? If so, there's the answer to my question!
Thanks for stopping by and putting in your thoughts!!!
Your's is a fair question, Lisa. That list of three is only a sampling of the things a wife must be willing to do fully apply the general principal derived from Genesis 1:28, i.e. woman is God's gift to man -- to be man's suitable helper. When we truly embrace a scripture, applying it to all of life, no list of three is adequate.
DeleteIn fairness, I suppose the application of the Genesis 1:28 primarily depends on the vision and leadership style of the husband. Some husbands tend to lead from behind, saying "Honey, I have no way to use you at home, do you have some hobby or avocation you could pursue?" Other husbands lead aggressively saying, "Honey, I have plans for this family. I need you to take these courses in bookkeeping and business management so you can first keep our books and later support me with good advice on key business decisions. You need to test out of these courses ahead of schedule so you'll have time for the diet and nutrition workshop at Loma Linda because I want our family to benefit from the healthiest upbringing. Between these courses, your daily exercise, and your internship with Mrs Kraus at ReMax, I need you to use any free time reading the books on the reading list I gave you because 'the reading of all good books is like a conversation with the finest men of the past centuries' and I need you to be a versed communicator to handle our media relations."
While the first girl appears to be her own woman and the second girl appears to be her husband's slave, *both* wives may find boundless purpose in faithfully helping their husbands.
I completely see your point.....for me, this means that I just need to keep pursuing the gifts and loves God's given me right now - and be ready to give them up if He leads me into being a helper to a man with a different vision.
DeleteThanks for sharing and God bless you!!
Agreed. Straight ahead Lisa!
DeleteWhen I was in Mexico, I met a young missionary man who married a Tarahumara girl, a convert to Christianity. He was from the States; she knew no English. He'd grown up knowing the normal western life; she'd known the primitive. I could hardly wait to catch him in private when I could ask him if he would marry differently were he doing it again. He answered in the negative saying, "My wife is nearly the opposite of my mother." (his mother was a career woman and leader in the feminist movement). He continued, "In spite of the great cultural differences between my mother and my wife, my mother and my father and my wife and I deal with conflict in the very same areas. The greatest cultural difference in a marriage is that difference between a man and a woman"
If anyone is entitled to answer from the authority of experience, it is this missionary. I believe his experience testifies to the wisdom of scripture where the compatibility factors we might think important are ignored and only one area is emphasized, for "she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; *only in the Lord*." 1 Cor 7:39
My takeaway is that following Christ as a husband is more important that finding a highly "compatible" wife. To make it personal to myself, the right girl is not the one who happens to share all my interests, but that girl for whom I'm willing to live and willing to die. The timing therefore depends less on when I meet "Miss Right" and more on when I grow up and get serious.
"The greatest cultural difference in a marriage is that difference between a man and a woman"
DeleteWow. So powerful and true. LOVE that statement!!! Great perspective....thank you so much for sharing!
Dear sweet Lisa, Your Grandpa and I did not have the same interests when we married. Medicine and nursing were compatible, but that was it!! Nearly 57 years later we still love each other madly...have some individual interests and some that are the same. It surely doesn't hurt to discuss these ideas in advance,
ReplyDeleteBUT we never did! You are a beautiful person, and we know that you are going to be very happy.
Love you more than you know,
Gtandma
GRANDMA!!!!!!!! I didn't know you ever read my blog!! Thank you so much for commenting...that made my evening :) :)
DeleteLove you so much ♥ ♥
Lisa